morning sickness

dawn: I was feeling so numb. I felt that I might die. Left half of my body can't feel anything. It was as if I will die. I felt all my saliva grown like acid. I can feel each swallow and making its way down my stomach.

I felt like I'm gonna faint. Vomit. Lifeless.

I slept on it as I was afraid to stumble my way down the stairs to the bathroom. I fight the urge to run down the house to vomit and just collapse.

I slept, I woke up. Drink milk. Take my medicines and eventually I puke nothing.

I miss Ryan

a lot

I'm crying most of the time.

I'm trying to be so brave.

but at the end of the day

I still long for him

I hope not to wait much

masakit magmahal

bakit noong bata pa ako, kinukwentuhan na ako ng mga fairy tales. bata pa lang ako tinuruan na akong mangarap, mangarap na magmahal. lumaki ako na may takot sa pag-ibig. siguro dahil 'di ako naniniwala doon. para lang syang kathang-isip sa aking pag-iisip. magulo, masalimuot, masakit sa dibdib. yun ang aking pag-kakaintindi sa pag-ibig.

ngayon, ako ay marunong ng umibig. parte pala ng pag-ibig yung masasaktan ka. bakit nuon ay hindi minulat sa akin ang sakit. walang nagturo sa akin kung ano nga ba yung sakit na yun. hindi ako naihanda sa pagharap sa sakit.

yung sakit na di mo mapaliwanag kung saan nagmula, kung kelan matatapos. yung parang vina-vacuum yung dibdib mo. yung parang sinisikil ang puso mo tapos ang hirap pang huminga. yung parang 'di na titibok yung puso mo at papangaraping matapos na lang yung sakit. yung hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo dahil sa sakit.

ngayon alam ko na. ang sakit ay kaakibat ng pagmamahal. para syang sugal. maglalaro ka, may ipupusta. pero dapat ihanda ang sarili na hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay mananalo ka. meron ding mga pagkakataon na uuwi kang sawi at bigo. hindi mo na mababawi pa ang naiwala mo na.

pwede naman sigurong "mahal kita" kesa "mahal na mahal kita". kasi parang doble ang sakit kapag mahal na mahal. yung tipong papanawan ka na ng kulay sa mukha at iisiping sana mamatay ka na lang kasi an hirap ng indahin pa ang sakit.

baket pa kasi kailangang umibig? laging unfair.

contentment

This is what everyone needs.
To feel secured, to feel safe.
Not to worry and think much.
No pity, no envy, no regrets.

Feel the freedom, love the air
Fly like a bird, feel the breeze

always she

She is an independent girl
Now learning to depend on him
Trusts that everything will be okay

She is often sad and alone
Since he is far away from her
Never alone in spirit, but physically just by herself

She tries to be fine most of the time
But time also made her spin around
Eventually, she'll get bored

She longs to touch him
To be with him
Always with him

She have to learn things
Share things

She should be sensitive
'Coz they are having the same situations
Same pain, same homesickness

She knows that he will support her
That's how much he loves her
She loves him so much too

Until the time they'll be together
Things will be great!

my betterhalf

We had never in this deep conversation and discussion like what we had today. I am very proud that I am with a great guy. I am so thankful that I got one among the few. We are in our right age. We are with the right person to be with. We are blessed. We love each other. He makes me feel so secure. He is such a sweet guy. He is always there for me regardless that we are freaking thousand miles apart. His presence makes me feel alive though we don't have this sense of touchm the feeling is there, contentment prevails. I love him. I really can't wait to start spending my life with him forever. I am in love with him every day. I'm so excited and patiently waiting for that day that we will be together.

I didn't believe in love, marriage and forever. Now I gut struck by it. I am loving it though. Can't wait!

bb mode

Yesterday I received my blackberry smartphone from etisalat. It was a bit complicated but I'm enjoying it anyways.