masakit magmahal

bakit noong bata pa ako, kinukwentuhan na ako ng mga fairy tales. bata pa lang ako tinuruan na akong mangarap, mangarap na magmahal. lumaki ako na may takot sa pag-ibig. siguro dahil 'di ako naniniwala doon. para lang syang kathang-isip sa aking pag-iisip. magulo, masalimuot, masakit sa dibdib. yun ang aking pag-kakaintindi sa pag-ibig.

ngayon, ako ay marunong ng umibig. parte pala ng pag-ibig yung masasaktan ka. bakit nuon ay hindi minulat sa akin ang sakit. walang nagturo sa akin kung ano nga ba yung sakit na yun. hindi ako naihanda sa pagharap sa sakit.

yung sakit na di mo mapaliwanag kung saan nagmula, kung kelan matatapos. yung parang vina-vacuum yung dibdib mo. yung parang sinisikil ang puso mo tapos ang hirap pang huminga. yung parang 'di na titibok yung puso mo at papangaraping matapos na lang yung sakit. yung hindi mo na alam ang gagawin mo dahil sa sakit.

ngayon alam ko na. ang sakit ay kaakibat ng pagmamahal. para syang sugal. maglalaro ka, may ipupusta. pero dapat ihanda ang sarili na hindi sa lahat ng panahon ay mananalo ka. meron ding mga pagkakataon na uuwi kang sawi at bigo. hindi mo na mababawi pa ang naiwala mo na.

pwede naman sigurong "mahal kita" kesa "mahal na mahal kita". kasi parang doble ang sakit kapag mahal na mahal. yung tipong papanawan ka na ng kulay sa mukha at iisiping sana mamatay ka na lang kasi an hirap ng indahin pa ang sakit.

baket pa kasi kailangang umibig? laging unfair.

contentment

This is what everyone needs.
To feel secured, to feel safe.
Not to worry and think much.
No pity, no envy, no regrets.

Feel the freedom, love the air
Fly like a bird, feel the breeze

always she

She is an independent girl
Now learning to depend on him
Trusts that everything will be okay

She is often sad and alone
Since he is far away from her
Never alone in spirit, but physically just by herself

She tries to be fine most of the time
But time also made her spin around
Eventually, she'll get bored

She longs to touch him
To be with him
Always with him

She have to learn things
Share things

She should be sensitive
'Coz they are having the same situations
Same pain, same homesickness

She knows that he will support her
That's how much he loves her
She loves him so much too

Until the time they'll be together
Things will be great!

my betterhalf

We had never in this deep conversation and discussion like what we had today. I am very proud that I am with a great guy. I am so thankful that I got one among the few. We are in our right age. We are with the right person to be with. We are blessed. We love each other. He makes me feel so secure. He is such a sweet guy. He is always there for me regardless that we are freaking thousand miles apart. His presence makes me feel alive though we don't have this sense of touchm the feeling is there, contentment prevails. I love him. I really can't wait to start spending my life with him forever. I am in love with him every day. I'm so excited and patiently waiting for that day that we will be together.

I didn't believe in love, marriage and forever. Now I gut struck by it. I am loving it though. Can't wait!

bb mode

Yesterday I received my blackberry smartphone from etisalat. It was a bit complicated but I'm enjoying it anyways.

surprise, surprise!

she struggled two hours to see a friend
she missed everyone-- homesick.

she's supposed to visit her friend back home
and she received gifts from back home

and from him too
not expected though

a watch.
a lovely watch.

and that shirt that smells so lovely and nice.

she is in love
so much in love!

metal

today, she received a symbol of love from him
she is just so happy that she beamed around, all smile

how he send the ring was a bit risky
but that's how their story started anyway

he sent the metal tied in a lovely card
and she got it wide eyed, like an award

he loves her
she loves him

happy
happy!

Today

She was waken up by that voice
She automatically smiled
Had her heart beat so excitedly

She hang out with him
Until he fall asleep

She stayed home
Talked to her little brother
Was asked to gain 11 lbs

She had a decent meal
Slept
Ate some more

She still feel pain
But she will get over it

She loves and she is so loved as well.

Echo

Two Hours after her work time had due,
She decided to head home.. It's late.

As soon as she stepped out of the door
She started reciting:

I Love You Always & Forever, Ryan Albert Victor Andrada!

She is checking how many times she can say those words.. over and over again!

The words should echo on the walls of her heart and mind.

Droplets of water fall on her as soon as she went open air.
She walked towards the bus stop,
Earphones on
Listening to music

Distractions were so many..
1. She suddenly felt awed by the falling liquid
2. She sang along with the music
3. She look around, to ensure safety

She was beaming with smile
People really don't know
What's on her mind

Such sweet sweet promise.

She will love the man always and forever.

She arrived home safe & sound.


~~~

BTW, she had whispered the promise phrase with conviction for 138 times.

<3<3<3

untitled

I felt shattered each time I see that look in your eyes
It’s blank and I’m not able to pierce through.

I repent the times that I talked too much
Never mind how I hurt you telling this and that
Me and my big mouth
I am so insensitive

I am so helpless.
I need you.

Don’t make me feel madder at myself
I am guilty, I know it

I’m sorry for showing some tears
It’s a great escape not to be blamed
I had sinned, I was mistaken
Forgive me my love

Now I suck on this,
My mind is not working
I should be sane.

weekends

she had gone and spent her weekends with friends, indoors. it has been 2 days sand storming. she had stayed at her friends' home. eating, chatting with her fiance, sleeping and watching movies.

they had decided to go out of the home and walked to the nearest mall. she bought burgers at McDo for everyone. after snack, they had watched an acrobat show.

they had walked for long hours that it started raining outside and until her leg gave up.

call

she called her mom just to say hi, hello and to check on her parents.. her mom asked her how's she and her boyfriend.. she said, she and her boyfriend are doing good and the relationship is goin' better.. she actually said as quoted "never been better".. her mother's words were encouraging that she blurted out that she's gonna marry her boyfriend soon..

she had given her mother glimpse of her plans.. her mother is okay with it and she said that her mother should tell her father since she is a bit afraid of her dad.. on what he will say about things..

they parted talking since she ran out of credits and her mother is somehow crying..

different bed

she had hanged-out with her friends for an extended time that her fiance missed her and gone worried about her.. she went to her bed dead tired and slept 3 hours only to wake up her roommate..

she had spoken with him for a long period of time discussing things.. he made her talk with her future mother in law as well.. after couple of hours talking, he has to sleep and so is she..

they slept together for the same length of time, just in different beds..

wanderer

early morning today, she nearly forgot the documents she needs to bring with her to work.. she ran back to her room to collect those and still she forgot to bring her jacket.. good thing weather was so nice to her..

at mid day, a sweet stubborn lady came up and ask some assistance.. they wander around.. took bus to the train station and arrived at the mall where the sweet stubborn lady got her interview.. well, her time was spent so great since the sweet stubborn lady got a job!

they ate at McDonald's then went back to her office..

messed up!

yesterday, on her way to her friend's home, she had left a folder full of important documents + a cheque amounting to AED 4,000/- (almost USD 1,100/-).. glad she was able to run after the bus which was actually still at the terminal and waiting few more time before movin

she was catching breathe, walkin/runnin around..

then she got tired of doing that hand job!

now she's at work and about to go home.. she is just so lazy and sick.. plus she left the folder at her home which supposedly will be her work for today.. well, tomorrow is another day.. and the following day will be a holiday!

happy sleeping.

a hand job

she reported to work half day. she went to her friend's home to do some hand job. they were all ladies so nobody dared to do the job. she basically know how to do it. it was just that she had never done a hand job alone by herself.

anyways, her friend let her eat lunch first while chit-chatting. she started her job as cool as she could handle it. she finished the job after some couple of hours in between short rests (eat, chat, FB & smoking). her hand came so numb and it will be surely useless for the next day. after doing the hand job, she fixed things up and cleaned out everything.

btw, she did dis-assemble a bunk bed all alone and now her hands are swollen. how she misses her father in these times. for sure her father won't let her do a guy thing all by herself!